I Didn't Ask for This
by cuppycakes123
Summary: Luke and Nick are your typical twenty something assholes. They got big dreams, but not enough brains to realize it's a disaster. Especially since they get advice from Eddie and Wyatt. But, when a little girl named Clementine comes into their lives, everything starts to get better. {No Zombies AU (LukexBonnie NickxMolly)}
1. Chapter 1

I Didn't Ask for This

Chapter 1: Hey Nick, Let's Get Fired!

"Hey, Nick. Hey, hey!" The young man whispered to the cubicle right across from him. He could see Nick angrily typing up reports before turning to him and shushing him. "C'mon, Nick!"

"No, Luke," Nick growled. "Shut up! The last thing I need is Carver getting on my ass about these reports. I need to get them done." Luke sighed before turning back to his own assignment of typing. _God, this is so boring_, he thought as began to move his fingers on the keyboard. _What if I'm stuck here for the rest of my life doing this shit? What if I just spend the rest of my life working under some asshole in an office? No, Luke, you're only twenty-four you got plenty of time to go off and- Wait! _He had by this point stopped typing and began staring off into space. It was a terrible habit he had, but he never had the time to break it. _Successful people start their business when they're young, right? Bill Gates was young when he made Microsoft. Steve Jobs was young when he made Apple. They're some of the richest men in the world right now!_ A lightbulb in his head went off at that moment and there was no stopping him now. _Why did I just think of this now? _The assignment had changed at that point. It went from typing up reports to trying to get fired, and boy did that escalate quickly.

Luke looked at Nick who at this point had stopped typing and was glaring at him. Luke manically grinned and pulled out a piece of paper from his drawer. He grabbed his pen that was next to the keyboard and began to draw. Now, Luke knew Nick always had a soft spot for Dick Butt. For some reason, Dick Butt just seemed to make him bust out laughing for no reason. Even the thought of Dick Butt made Nick almost lose it. Now, Luke also knew Nick hated his job and was only staying because he needed financial stability for the rent they were paying. _Well, he won't need financial stability after this, _Luke thought as he finished his drawing. He folded it up into a paper airplane and threw it into Nick's cubicle. He could see Nick opening the paper up and immediately cracking up.

"Dude," Nick chuckled. "Alright, you got me. That was pretty funny, but we really should get back to work now. Troy is probably gonna come in any minute and be on our asses." Luke quickly grabbed another piece of paper and drew another Dick Butt. He threw it over again to Nick and watched him get frustrated. "You're an ass, Luke."

Luke sighed. He needed Nick to crack and join him on his shenanigans if he wanted this to work. Luke grabbed about ten more papers and drew Dick Butts all over them. The next thing Nick saw was a legion of paper airplanes coming his way. Luke could see him fuming and crumpling them up. Nick grabbed his own paper and began to draw on it. About twenty paper airplanes filled with Dick Butts were on the floor of Luke's cubicle in a matter of seconds. Five minutes had passed and now Dick Butts were everywhere. They had used up all their paper, but it felt so good to do it. The complaints were already coming in from their co-workers. Reggie was yelling about how his report on blueberries was ruined because he accidentally stapled Dick Butt onto the final draft and forgot to save it on Word. Alvin was complaining about all the trees that were brutally killed for a joke that not even a four year old on crack would find funny. It was chaos in the office at that point and it was all because of Dick Butt.

"Oh my god!" Nick cried as he hid under his desk. "This is all your fault, Luke! We're gonna get fired and we're gonna be livin' in a cardboard box on the street!"

"It's your fault too, man," Luke started. "You didn't have to draw Dick Butt, but you did. You choose this and now you have to face the consequences of your actions." Nick groaned and hid even more but he looked awkward doing it because he's freakishly tall. The door to the manager's office opened and everyone's breath hitched. Troy was here. Carver's little bitch had arrived. There was dead silence as Troy walked around the office; glaring at everyone with his beady eyes. He picked up one of the airplanes and opened it up. He immediately threw it to the ground and ran back into manager's office. He was going to get Carver.

"Oh my god!" Nick cried again. "This is how we're going to die! Carver is gonna come in here any second and we're gonna die."

"Dude, shut up!" Luke snapped. He hated to admit it, but Luke was terrified too. "A'ight, we're gonna be fine, Nick. We're gonna be fine…"

The door slammed open so hard that Luke thought the wall was busted. Carver stomped into the room and picked up the crumpled paper Troy threw. He looked at the drawing and immediately ripped it up. Nick began to hyperventilate from under his desk and Luke's pants began to get wet. Carver slowly made his way around the cubicles, glaring at everyone.

"Who's been drawing dicks?" He finally said after a couple of minutes. Everyone looked at each other in pure fear. "I'm not gonna ask again. Who's been drawing dicks?" Troy snickered at Luke and pointed at him.

"It was Luke and Nick, sir." Troy started. "Only they would do somethin' like this." Luke turned and looked at Nick with pure fear in his eyes. Nick was crying and rocking himself in a fetal position. Carver sneaked around to Nick's cubicle and kneeled down at his desk.

"You want to come out and be a big boy about this? Cause, I'll drag you into my office if you don't." Carver said sternly. Nick slowly began to get up and attempt to crawl out. He hit his head a couple times…what a loser. Tears were streaming down his face and he was shaking. After Nick was out from under the desk, Carver turned to Luke. "Boy, you're in a heap of troub-"

"Oh my god!" Troy exclaimed. He was still pointing at Luke, but his finger moved down to his pants. "Did he piss himself?" Luke looked down to see his pants now soaking wet, especially near his crouch. "Dear god, he actually pissed himself!" Carver and Troy began to laugh hysterically at the younger man. Some of the other people in the office joined them. Nick looked at Luke in pure shock and pity.

"C'mere, Luke," Carver said as he grabbed Luke's collar and dragged him to his office. "Let's chat."

Carver's office was a nice ass place. It had a flat screen TV, a fish tank, a soda machine and massaging chairs. But, to get there you had to go past the secretary, Bonnie. Luke was internally screaming at this point. He had liked Bonnie for years and they were finally starting to talk. If she saw that he had pissed his pants his chances would be done. Dead and gone with the wind. He grabbed a stack of papers from Alvin's desk as they left and kept it close to his crouch. Nick was quiet and was biting his nail so hard, Luke thought he would rip it off. They walked into Carver's office and sure enough, Bonnie was there. She waved and smiled at Luke before noticing what was going on. Luke tried to wave, but his papers and he was exposed. Bonnie looked at him in shock and horror before quickly returning to her work. Well, there went his chances with her.

They finally got to the main room and Carver quickly slammed the door. An eery silence came over them as he sat down at his desk. He motioned them to sit down in the chairs across from him.

"Not you though, Luke," Carver said calmly. "I don't you're piss stainin' my furniture." Nick awkwardly sat down and Luke began to twiddle his thumbs. "Nice place I got here, isn't it?"

"Uh…yeah." Luke started. "It's a very nice office…"

"Why thank you, Luke." Carver said as he brought out a bowl of blueberries. "Would you boys like some blueberries? Their fresh; straight from the farm."

"S-sure," Nick started as he reached out to grab some. "Thank you so mu-" Carver quickly slapped his hand away. Nick reeled back in shock and pain.

"Did you think I would be treatin' y'all so nice?" Carver started angrily. "Do you know why you boys are here?" Luke and Nick stared at each other and silently decided who should speak first.

"Uh…" Nick began. "We-We drew dicks everywhere."

"Yes, and why did you draw them?" Carver asked.

"They obviously have repressed homosexual feelings they need to let out." Troy stated matter-of-factly. Carver turned to him and glared at him.

"Troy, shut up!"

"We drew them because… We drew them because…" Nick turned to Luke for support. Luke walked over to Carver and slammed his hands on his desk.

"We want to get fired!" Luke demanded. Nick turned to Luke in horror and began to shake his head.

"N-No!"

"Y'all want to get fired, huh?" Carver started. "Is that what you boys want to do? You wanna get fired?" Luke slowly shook his head up and down. "Oh, okay then. I may not be a genie, but I can certainly grant that wish. Luke, Nick, you're both fired! I want your asses out of here in fifteen minutes." The two younger men began to slowly walk out of his office.

"We're gonna be your rivals, Carver!" Luke cried as he walked out. "We're gonna one up you and become the richest men in America."

"I highly doubt that, son." Carver replied as he began to watch TV.

"You'll see!" Luke exclaimed as Nick dragged him out. "Y'all see!"

"What the hell did you do to us, Luke!" Nick cried as he slammed Luke to the wall. "We're fired, Luke! How are we gonna pay the rent for the house? How are we gonna afford groceries and shit like that, huh? How am I gonna explain this to Pete?" He pulled his arm back and prepared to punch his friend. Luke quickly blocked and countered him before reversing the roles. He slammed Nick into the wall and held him until he calmed down.

"Look at me, Nick." Luke whispered. "We're gonna be fine, alright. We're gonna start our own business and it's gonna make Carver cry. I got the plans and everything, Nick, but all I need is you. Will you help me with this?" Nick hesitated for a couple of seconds before responding.

"What else do I have to lose?"

"That's the spirit, man!" Luke cried as he held him even closer to him. "Nick, we're burnin' daylight! Let's get outta here and-"

"Get a room you two!" Troy cried as he headed out of the office. "You two are so gay you make Boy George get uncomfortable."

**End of Chapter 1. Next Time On 'I Didn't Ask For This.'**

"Do you strive to be like Eddie and Wyatt? Do you strive to just get high all day and do nothing with your life?"

"There's a dick in my boot!"

"You don't kill dogs! Unless their Cujo…"

"I wouldn't kill Cujo…"

"If a tree falls down in a zombie apocalypse would people hear it?"

"What's your name, kid?"

"Clementine…"

"You were named after a fruit? That's hype as shit!"


	2. Chapter 2 Part 1

**Previously On 'I Didn't Ask for This'**

"You're an ass, Luke."

"We're gonna get fired and we're gonna be livin' in a cardboard box on the street!"

"Alright, who's been drawing dicks?"

"He pissed his pants!"

"We wanna get fired!"

"Nick, we're burnin' daylight!"

**Chapter 2: Hey Kid, You're Named After A Fruit! Part 1**

"It's a life or death scenario, Wyatt. You have to either have sex with Miley Cyrus or Tori Spelling, and if you don't you die."

"God, Eddie, that is the toughest decision I would have ever to make, but I think I would rather die."

"Why, dude?"

"I want to lose my virginity to someone like, Kate Upton, not Miley Cyrus, dude."

"I bet she's wild though in bed."

To say that Luke didn't want to come home to hear Eddie and Wyatt talking about sex with Miley Cyrus was one thing. Conversations like this are definitely normal when it comes to those two stoners. What Luke didn't want to come home to was them staring at his dick. It was embarrassing enough that he pissed his pants in the office building, but what put the icing on the shit cake was what Nick did to him afterwards. Nick would drive him to work most days in his brand new truck. That stupid truck was Nick's life; his pride and joy. He recently got his seats done and the only way Luke could even get a ride home was if he took his pants and boxers off. It was absurd to Luke that he would even have to do something so ridiculous, but he didn't want to anger Nick anymore and obliged. It was an awkward ride home to say the least, but this was even worse.

"Oh my god, man!" Eddie cried as he pointed at Luke. "Your dick is so small! Wyatt, look at how tiny his lil' gobbler is!" Wyatt immediately began to chuckle and pulled out his phone. Luke began to grow beat red with embarrassment and turned to Nick for support. His best friend just shrugged his shoulders and went off to the kitchen to get a beer.

"Hey," Luke started. "Don't start with me on how small my johnson is, okay? You have no idea what humiliation we've been through in the past couple hours."

"Please," Eddie snorted. "We know what happened in the office. Vince called and told us everything-"

"Oh wait," Wyatt interrupted "Should we tell him about the Instragram post?" Luke looked up quickly and crossed his arms.

"What Instagram post?"

"Oh, dude," Wyatt said as he went onto the app. "Troy posted this about an hour ago and it's super embarrassing." He scrolled down his timeline and gave the phone to Luke. The two stoners began to laugh hysterically as Luke began to get angry and flustered. The picture was Luke exiting out of Carver's office with Nick close behind him. His pants were zoomed in and a yellow circle was on his crouch. The only thing the description said was; Someone's not a big kid now. Back to Pull Ups you go Luke ;) "Dude, everyone's also posting pictures with the Dick Butts you two drew."

"Damn it all!" Luke cried as he threw the phone to Wyatt and sat down on the couch. It sounded all cool and funny in his head, but now he looked like the biggest loser in Atlanta. Eddie and Wyatt looked at each other for a minute before laughing even harder.

"You got five seconds to cover your dick up, Luke." Eddie started in-between laughs.

"Why?"

"What if I told you…we brought Molly here with us?"

"You did not."

"They did." Luke whipped his head around and sure enough, Molly was standing in the middle of the living room. She sighed and began to rub her temples. "Wow, Luke," she started. "You sure are comfortable showin' off your wang to everyone."

"No, wait, Molly!"

"It's small isn't it, Molls?" Eddie started as he began to play Nick's Xbox. "Wyatt's dick is bigger than that."

"How do you know the size of Wyatt's dick?" Nick cried from the kitchen. "Are you two gay or something?"

"Duh, it's like, bro code to show wave around your dick at least one point." Eddie stated as his game booted up. "Luke's doin' it now and everyone can see he has a tiny penis."

"It's not tiny!"

"It is!"

"Who gives a shit!" Molly cried as she sat on one of the bean bags chairs besides the couch. "Just, Luke, go up and get a shower or something. I could've went my entire life without seeing your dick, goddamn it."

It was about an hour later when Luke finally came down from his shower. Everyone was sitting at the kitchen table eating left over Chinese food. Nick motioned Luke to sit down and grab a plate.

"Luke and I are gonna open up a business together." Nick said as finished his meal. "What are we doin', Luke?" Everyone stopped eating and looked at the two men with skepticism. After a few minutes, Eddie and Wyatt began to burst into laughter as Molly face palmed. "What the hell is so funny?"

"Do you even have this planned out?" Molly asked. "Or did you just think of this on the fly, Luke?"

"Well," Luke started. "Uh, I was thinkin' of openin' up a store."

"What type of store, dude?" Wyatt replied as began to eat Eddie's food without him knowing. "There is literally tons of different types of stores you can open-"

"It'll be an arcade!" Luke cried as he bolted up in chair. "We'll have the best arcade in all of Atlanta!"

"Arcades are a dying business, Luke." Molly said as she crossed her arms. "How many arcades do you see around here anymore?"

"Well, ours will be the best! The one that kids want to go to on every holiday and every day of summer." Luke ran off to grab paper and a pencil. He began to draw poorly made blueprints and notes. "We'll have a mountain you can climb up and there'll be a big ass ball pit you can jump in. We'll have frozen yogurt and a mascot!"

"H-How much is this gonna cost us?" Nick stammered as he took one of the blueprints. "This seems expensive as shit!" Luke sighed as he began to draw the mascot. Nick was always the one being the party-pooper and being "realistic."

"We can afford it, man!" Luke replied. "It can't be too expensive! Look, we can have a western theme for it, seeing as we are in Georgia. Our mascot can be a cowboy who rides-"

"A dildo!"

"What the hell, Eddie?" Luke glared at the stoner before returning to his plan. "He'll ride a unicorn shooting rainbows out of it's ass… It's for the girls, y'know."

"I feel like someone would find that offensive though." Wyatt began as he twiddled his thumbs. "It's a unicorn shooting a rainbow out of it's asshole. That can easily be mistaken as symbolism for gay sex."

"How the hell could come up with that?" Nick replied as everyone turned to the scruffy stoner in confusion.

"You see," Wyatt continued. "The rainbow represents the color of the LGBT flag. If you go with that soon you'll have complaints from parents that you have a gay cowboy that enjoys butt sex!"

"It's like, your mascot is a gay version of Woody from Toy Story." Eddie chuckled. "I got a dick in my boot!"

"You guys are literally the worst people to discuss business with!" Luke replied as he slumped back down in his chair. "Y'know what, Nick? Let's discuss this tomorrow when these losers leave!" He glared at the three unwanted guest and watched as they all huffed and groaned. Nick turned to his best friend and nodded.

"Gladly, dude."

**End of Chapter 2 Part: 1 Next Time On 'I Didn't Ask for This'**

"You're killin' me, Nick! Look at me son, now I'm dead!"

"You're telling me a dog just came up to you and randomly bit you?"

"Luke has sex with dogs!"

"Don't mess with Tiny Carlos, man!"

"I am whacked on weed right now!"

"What's your name kid?"

"Clementine…"

"What rhymes with orange?"

"Borange."

**It's Gonna Be Hype...**


End file.
